Try Wearing a Corset
by Minions of the Bandit King
Summary: Captain Barbosa tries a new method of making his men tough. Barbosa lives! UPDATE da, da, da, da! Plz don't hurt us!
1. It All Starts with a Corset

Note/Disclaimer: Barbosa lives! ??? Well, he does, okay. Don't own. Went stupid. Thought I should write a story about my favorite movie next to Lord of the Rings.  
  
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Captain Barbosa walked along the deck of his ship, examining his mates. Each man was bent over the other's back, pulling hard on the laces of some contraption.  
  
"Uh, Captain?" the first mate asked. "Why do we havta wear these?"  
  
Barbosa stopped and stared at the man's real and wooden eyes. "No pain, no gain. How do you think we'll be able to beat Jack Sparrow again if we're not cursed?"  
  
From the crow's nest, Jack the monkey let out a cry and swung onto his master's shoulder. The monkey had the same laced contraption around his chest.  
  
"But, sir!" complained another mate.  
  
"Don't be such babies! Even Jack will wear one," Barbosa said, indicating the monkey.  
  
His crew stared at him as if he were drunk on rum. "That's true, sir, but. . . but WOMEN wear these!" shouted the first mate with a note of apology in his voice.  
  
"There is nothing unmanly about wearing a corset!" barked Barbosa.  
  
Another man rolled his eyes. "The captain's lost it," he mumbled.  
  
Barbosa stood in front of his crew to make a speech. "Now," he said, "we've experienced pain- true pain, men, not that bloody curse- we can finally defeat Jack. . ." He was cut off mid-sentence and fell backwards.  
  
"Musta cut off 'is circulation wid that corset," one of the mates said sadly.  
  
"And all 'cause that governor's daughter said true pain was a corset," sighed the first mate. 


	2. Porridge

Note: Since we got so many reviews, we'll continue. This chapter might be a little stupid, though. And, uh, we no own.  
  
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Elizabeth Turner (guess what, she's married) sat down a large bowl of porridge on the table and said with a confused tone, "I had a weird dream last night. Barbosa was alive and, well, he was wearing. . ."  
  
"A corset?" Will finished for her. He looked at the porridge, which was now starting to bubble. "Er? Is it supposed to be doing that?"  
  
Suddenly, Jack Sparrow- er - Captain Jack Sparrow's head appeared in the porridge. He looked around the room from Will to Elizabeth who had given a loud shriek of surprise.  
  
"Hello," Jack said brightly.  
  
"What? How? Eh? What are you doing here?" Elizabeth asked, regaining her sanity after the shock.  
  
Jack, who was now trying to pull himself out of the porridge, looked at Will. "Barbosa's back," he said. "Quite interesting, eh? He's got a new method of toughening his men to-ow!" Jack had fallen out of the porridge and knocked over the table. "Yes, well," he continued, "it seems Barbosa takes things too literal. His men are now wearing corsets."  
  
Will stared at his wife who shrugged.  
  
"I didn't mean it!" Elizabeth stammered.  
  
"Actually," said Jack, "it's the best thing you could've done! Barbosa keeps cutting off his blood circulation with that thing. Maybe he'll kill himself." He sniffed the porridge and added, "You shouldn't eat this."  
  
Elizabeth now had her hands on her hips. "Of course we won't!" she yelled. "We just had a filthy pirate crawl out of it!"  
  
"No, it's not that. Don't you know if you eat porridge, a little girl will come steal it?" Jack asked. He staggered over a table leg.  
  
"You're drunk on rum," Will pointed out.  
  
The pirate looked offended. "No- well- yes, but that's not the point!" he spluttered.  
  
As if on cue a little blonde-haired girl ran through the Turner's door, grabbed their porridge, and ran away, screaming, "This is just right!"  
  
"Well, now that THAT'S settled, let's go!" Jack cried. He stepped forward majestically, but ended up tripping over another table leg.  
  
Will and Elizabeth looked at each other and silently agreed that they should go. After all, the pirates were acting a little- I mean- A LOT crazy. 


	3. The Orange Diamond

DM: Beautiful reviews! Love reviews! And not a single flame!  
  
CG: Tee hee. We don't own!  
  
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"Yo left! Yo left! Yo left! Right! Left!" Jack sung at the top of his lungs as he marched around Port Royal. His brown eyes looked eagerly from ship to ship until he found the Black. . . eh?  
  
"What did you do to your ship?!" Will and Elizabeth cried together.  
  
The once- Black Pearl bobbed up and down in the water. But there was something obviously different. Maybe it was the fact that the once- Black Pearl was now the, erm, Orange Diamond.  
  
Jack looked proudly as his vibrant orange ship encrusted with diamonds. "Had a lil' accident on the way over. Ran into a merchant ship carrying orange dye. . . And diamonds. . . But orange dye, as well." He stoked his braided beard. "Ah, well. It'll come off eventually. . . I think."  
  
"You mean you're not certain?" Elizabeth asked, giving Jack a worried look.  
  
The pirate chose to ignore Elizabeth and got onto the ship. The cry of Mr. Cotton's parrot ("Shiver me timbers!") came from on board.  
  
"Where's Anna Maria?" Will pondered as he and Elizabeth joined Jack on the Orange Diamond.  
  
Jack's crew was silent. Eventually, Mr. Cotton's parrot chimed, "Drunk in bed! Too much rum! Braack!"  
  
"Nonshemense!" Anna Maria said coming up from under the deck. "I's jus' feyeme!"*  
  
"Like we said, dunk in bed," said Jack, hastily trying to push Anna Maria back into the lower deck.  
  
"Shoppet, Jaaack!" Anna Maria cried. **  
  
Will and Elizabeth stared at each other. "They're crazier than I thought," Will whispered and Elizabeth nodded in agreement.  
  
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* "Nonsense! I'm just fine!"  
  
** "Stop it, Jack!" 


	4. Of Chocolate Dimes and Barbossa Rhymes

A/N: Naturally we don't own!  
  
CG: Feel poetry like so..... Barbossa gets to rhyme like a Doctor Seuss book.  
  
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"Awe, Capin'. Give us break," complained the first mate. "We've been diggin' all day!"  
  
Barbossa looked into the hole where half of his men were digging to find some unknown treasure. He took a looooooong swig of rum and said, "Don't worry, men. It's all the timing. Why do I feel like I should start rhyming?"  
  
The second mate rolled his eyes behind the captain's back. They all knew there was no treasure, but what could they do? Barbossa had complete control, even if he was a drunken, rhyming maniac.  
  
"Hey look!" Barbossa shouted, pointing to the west. "It's Captain Jack Sparrow. This rum is destroying my bone marrow."  
  
The Black Pearl, I mean, Orange Diamond, appeared on the horizon, swerving left and right.  
  
(Meanwhile on the ship)  
  
"I see Barbossa, that bas-"  
  
"Fish." Elizabeth cut Jack off. She lurched forward as the ship swerved to the right.  
  
Will walked by looking rather green and mumbling, "Shouldna let Anna Maria drive the ship."  
  
"Ye-ah! Right. What could I do William?" Jack asked with false concern.  
  
(But back with the captain.)  
  
"Haha. There ship turns left and right. Let's flee before it 'comes night!" Barbossa grabbed and bagful of supposed silver and ran off.  
  
(On whatever Barbossa's ship is called.)  
  
Barbossa stuffed five more silver coins in his mouth. "This is good, I bet you didn't know that. Oops! That's another line in a whole other format."**  
  
The second mate picked up a silver coin and bit it. Half of the coin broke off and melted in his mouth. "Chocolate!"  
  
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**I bet you didn't know that= line from another story on FictionPress.  
  
Gonna leave ya hanging for a few more months. 


	5. A Somewhat Dramaticy Cliffhanger That We...

The ship needs a name. . . yep. . .  
  
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Jack eagerly bent over a map and started to measure lines with a compass. "Where's the measurements?" Not THAT compass.  
  
"Um, Jack?" Elizabeth interrupted. "You're putting hole in your map."  
  
Jack looked up with no sign of concern. "Quiet, Zero! I'm contemplating." He stared at the hole-ey map a bit longer before saying, "Where's Will?"  
  
Elizabeth sighed. "Well," she answered with a tinge of annoyance, whatever GAS LEAK is on the Black Pearl-"  
  
"Orange Diamond," Jack corrected.  
  
"Whatever. It's gotten to Will."  
  
"What d'you mean?"  
  
"He's on deck staring at a can of orange juice."  
  
"But that hasn't been invented yet," Jack pointed out.  
  
"It said 'concentrate.'" Elizabeth finished.  
  
The captain stroked his braided beard. "Well then, the only answer, of course, is to attack the Omlet."  
  
"The what?" Elizabeth asked though she was afraid to know the answer.  
  
"Barbossa's ship, woman! Haven't you been paying attention!?" Jack shouted. His eyes drooped as if he were tired.  
  
Suddenly, Jack fell to the floor, asleep.  
  
"Jack?" Elizabeth cautiously poked the captain.  
  
Jack sat up immediately. "MY TREASURE!" he yelled.  
  
Elizabeth blinked in confusion. 'Am I the only one who's not going to go crazy?' she thought.  
  
(Meanwhile on deck. . .)  
  
Will stared at the orange juice. "This is stupid," he said. "Why on EARTH am I doing this?" He picked up the can and tossed it overboard. "Well, that's that."  
  
As he watched the orange juice sink to the ocean floor, his eyes saw a person sitting under the water. . .with cannons strapped to his bootstraps.  
  
~To Be Continued~  
  
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Guess who? Longer chapter too! Yay for us! 


	6. Gollum AKA Bootstrap Bill Turner!

Disclaimer: DON'T OWN!  
  
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"Man overboard!" Will shouted, causing Elizabeth and Jack to run up to the deck.  
  
Anna-Maria hiccupped and said, "There was never a man onboard, William." She turned the wheel, veering the ship sharply to the left.  
  
The underwater man jumped up and waved his hands frantically, while mouthing something unknown.  
  
Jack scratched his head, muttering, "Uh, huh," or, "I see."  
  
"YES!" he yelled, thrusting his hands together and nearly giving everyone a heart attack." Well, you heard him, ladies and germs. Bootstrap Bill needs out help."  
  
Mr. Cotton dived into the water, very (and unusually) majestically (as far as pirates go). He came up a few minutes later with Bootstrap Bill Tuner.  
  
"Wait a minute!" Will said. "I thought my father was, well, dead."  
  
Bootstrap laughed. "We're not dead. You had to get that Aztec coin somehow, right? Well, I removed it from its location to get it, right? And the curse was obviously not broken, RIGHT? We're quite fortunate for that."  
  
"We're?" Elizabeth dared to ask.  
  
"Ahhh!" Anna-Maria screamed. "Gollum remake!"  
  
"We're not a Gollum, precious," said Bootstrap. He turned to Jack. "What a gangly crew! Still after Barbossa, eh?"  
  
Jack nodded. "They're leverage," he whispered, winking and pointing to his crew.  
  
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Went a little too far with Bootstrap. Just wanted to get the point that he was schizophrenic, like Gollum. 


	7. A Short Chapter After Eight Months

DM and CG: cautiously enters Hello.  
  
Reviewers: pummel  
  
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Barbossa's pirates sat lazily in the sun. They hummed a merry tune while trying to ignore their captain.  
  
"C'mon!" Barbossa urged. "We have to get the treasure!"  
  
"Barbossa," one of the first mates said casually, "there is no treasure."  
  
The captain shook his head. "Yes there is! Now get looking before I make you wear the corsets again."  
  
Still the pirates didn't move. One even began to clean his eye!  
  
"Why won't you work?" the pirate captain asked.  
  
"Because..." one of the pirates began. The rest joined him in singing. "We are the pirates who don't do anything! We just sit around, and don't do anything! And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you, we don't do anything!"  
  
The pirate fever had claimed its next victims.  
  
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DM and CG: runs away in wheel chairs 


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